I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Randomize
