Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Randomize
