Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
