I wish they made helmets for livers.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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