Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
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