just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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