You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
