My first STD was from a foam party
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
