yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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