she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Randomize
