i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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