We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize
