did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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