I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
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