please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
