Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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