if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
