i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Randomize
