that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
