And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
