You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Randomize
