Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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