I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
