Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
