he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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