At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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