you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
