it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
that may or may not have been my penis.
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