Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
