I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
I wish they made helmets for livers.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
