My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Randomize
