My friends, they love my intelligence
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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