I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
