What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
