i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
