Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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