so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
