I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
