i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
