got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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