I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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