I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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