I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
my poor anus
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
