when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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