youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
I woke up under a house in Key West
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