yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
