I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
