New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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