you traded sex for a burrito?
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
