His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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