I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
