You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
