Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
