hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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