What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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