I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
