Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
