Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
