I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
