I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Randomize
